I did a thing

I actually did the thing.

Almost Yours Again is listed on Amazon. As of tonight, it is a real book that real people can find, click on, and buy. I have been staring at the listing for the last twenty minutes like it might disappear if I look away.

I don’t entirely know how to feel about this. Proud? Terrified? Both at the same time in a way that is making my chest do something weird? Yes. All of that. Simultaneously.

Here’s the thing about writing for as long as I have — and I have been at this for a very long time, long enough that I’m not going to put the number in writing because it will make me feel ancient — you get comfortable living inside the work. The writing is yours. The characters are yours. The story happens in your head and on your screen and it belongs entirely to you, and that is a deeply comfortable place to be. Nobody can tell you it isn’t good enough when it’s still just a document on your hard drive.

Uploading it to Amazon tonight felt like opening my front door and shoving one of my cats out into the street and saying off you go then, make your own way in the world.

(For the record, none of my actual fifteen cats are going anywhere. They are all fine. This is a metaphor.)

The book is Avery Beckett’s — that’s the name on the cover — but the sleep I’m going to lose over it is entirely mine. Every writer who has ever hit publish knows this particular brand of stomach-drop. You spend all this time making something, and then you let it go, and then it’s just… out there. In the world. Without you.

What if nobody finds it?

What if somebody finds it and hates it?

What if somebody finds it and loves it and wants more, and then I have to actually deliver more? (Okay, that one I can handle. I have notes. I have so many notes.)

I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. And tonight I did it. The book exists in the world in a way it didn’t exist this morning, and that is not nothing. That is actually something quite enormous.

And just in case that wasn’t enough chaos for one brain, I should mention that Avery Beckett is only one of three active pseudonyms currently taking up residence in my head. Three. Distinct. Voices. All with their own worlds, their own characters, their own very strong opinions about where their stories are going. You might think that sounds confusing. You could possibly be right.

What this means in practice is that the Avery universe alone currently runs to forty books. Forty. The first ten are written, edited, and ready to go — which means I have somehow committed to one book a month for the next ten months. I’m genuinely unsure whether that’s impressive or certifiable. Possibly both. Probably both.

So. Almost Yours Again is out there now, finding its feet, looking for its people. I’m sitting here with a cup of tea going cold beside me and a publishing schedule that would make a sensible person lie down in a dark room. Proud and terrified in equal measure.

Mostly proud.

If you happen to find the book out there in the wild—thank you. For looking. For clicking. For even considering it. That matters more than I can quite put into words yet.

The cats love me unconditionally and ask no questions about release schedules. This is very important right now.

Ask me again in the morning.

Welcome to the Chaos: A Blog About Fumbling Through Life with Enthusiasm

Hello. Pull up a chair. Mind the cat.

No, the other cat. The one on the chair you were about to sit on. There are fifteen of them, so this is going to be a recurring problem, and I apologise in advance.

My name is Suzy, and I live in an old police station on two acres of land in rural Tasmania, which tells you almost everything you need to know about the kind of life I’m living. It’s not the life I planned. It’s considerably weirder and, on balance, considerably better.

I’m somewhere in my sixties — the good side of sixty, I keep telling myself, which is apparently something people say — and I was diagnosed with ADHD and probably ASD in my late fifties. If you’ve had a late diagnosis yourself, you’ll understand what it’s like to have your entire history suddenly recontextualise itself in the space of one conversation with a specialist. All those years of thinking I was broken, scattered, too much, not enough. Turns out I was just running the wrong operating system for the environment. I’ve since found an environment that suits me considerably better. It involves chickens.

Twenty-five of them, in fact. Chickens, ducks, geese, and guinea fowl, which are nature’s car alarms and I say that with love. The cluckers, quackers, goobers and weirdos all live on the two acres alongside the fifteen cats, and if you’re doing the maths on the predator-to-prey ratio, I promise it works out. The cats are, to a one, deeply unimpressed by the poultry and have reached a détente best described as mutual contempt with occasional curiosity.

In the hours when I’m not attending to the menagerie, I am an author, a content creator, a community volunteer, and what I generously call a farmer, though I suspect actual farmers would have opinions about that.

Now. About the author part. Because that one has a story.

I have been writing since I was old enough to hold a pen. Not as a hobby I dabbled in — as a compulsion, a necessity, the thing my brain simply did and could not stop doing. I eventually formalised it: a Bachelor of Creative Writing, a Bachelor of Creative Industries, because if your brain is going to insist on doing something obsessively you may as well get some credentials out of it.

I have been seriously putting manuscripts together since 1982 (but apparently real authors don’t count fanfic), so let’s say 2010 when I started using my own characters. In that time, across three large interconnected fictional universes — romance, mostly; military, supernatural noir, hockey, because apparently, I contain multitudes — I have written ninety-eight books.

Ninety-eight.

I want to be honest about why, because it’s not the story you might expect. I never really planned to publish them. That wasn’t really the point. The point was to get these worlds out of my head — three entire universes of characters and storylines and relationships that were taking up considerable real estate in a brain that was already, as I would later learn, running at a somewhat unusual frequency. I wrote them for myself. I wrote them because the stories needed to exist somewhere outside me. I wrote them and I filed them away and I kept writing more, and I thought that was simply what my life was: a very long private conversation between me and my own imagination.

And then someone read them.

And then that someone did a very silly thing and told me they were good.

So here we are.

Over the next couple of years, I’m going to be polishing and releasing those ninety-eight books into the world, which is equal parts thrilling and absolutely terrifying and something I genuinely never saw coming. I’m starting this blog partly to document that process — the wins, the stumbles, the moments of blind panic, the unexpected joys — and partly because I have ADHD and I need somewhere to put all the thoughts or they will simply accumulate until something gives way.

This blog is not going to be curated. I’m not going to show you the good light and the tidy desk and the perfectly composed flat lay of my morning coffee. My desk is not tidy. I’m not sure my desk has a surface, technically. What I am going to do is show up here honestly, maybe even daily— with the things that are working, the things that are not, the projects I’m proud of and the ones I abandoned at the fifteen-percent mark because something shiny happened.

Sometimes I get things right. Sometimes I absolutely do not, and those stories are usually more interesting anyway.

If you’re here because you’re neurodivergent and figuring it out late, welcome. If you’re here because you’re curious about what it looks like to sit on ninety-eight completed manuscripts for years before finally letting them out into the light, welcome. If you’re here because you want to watch someone simultaneously run a small farm, manage a cat parliament, volunteer for too many things, and launch a publishing career in their sixties, I promise it’s going to be a ride.

If you’re here for the cat content: also welcome, and I’ll try not to disappoint you.

And if you’re here because of the books — the ones that are finally, slowly making their way out into the world — you’re very welcome here too. I’ll leave a door open for you when they arrive.

This is the brain dump. This is the honest account. This is me, with my two degrees and my fifteen cats and my ninety-eight books and my twenty-five opinionated birds, muddling through with as much grace as I can manage on any given day.

Glad you found it.

Now, seriously — mind the cat.